Zine 31: BlkJaq

When people want to paint the internet red with hatred, Jaq swoops in with the rest of the rainbow. Jaq represents the heart of Gen Z. The loner e-children; those of us alienated in our reality so we built a new one on the ever expanding web. Here they are now, years later, still dedicated to the love and authenticity of global connection. Division is a human constant, it will appear wherever we commune. Jaq isn’t here for rose-tinted glasses, they’re here for buying a can of spray paint and glossing everything into whatever shade they feel like. Because it’s no one’s world and we’re all just trying to live in it.

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Bb: What formats does your creativity come in? I know that’s like a really weirdly formed sentence instead of just asking what kind of artist are you but with content creation and social media, visuals, communication. Everything is art and I don’t wanna limit your answer by a restrictive definition to just what we traditionally call ‘art’

Jaq: i never really thought about it tbh ive just been posting freely but more to say i like visual content creation. I love expressing any form of authenticity even when i’m a little shy about it. it’s like oh wow the world is seeing me in my truest form for the first time 😭 i feel as if i was in my shell for as long as ive known. i came to realize there’s nothing to hide when it comes to who you are and it should be more about accepting. gradually i wanna post more video content and help people learn that accepting who they are rather than running to what other people want them to be is more than enough. people are art in and of themselves and it should be known! idk what to call that specifically but that’s my target

Bb: I love that. Conversations are my form of authenticity. Conveying authenticity in anyway or authentically conveying something is a navigation in today’s world, especially balancing the line between heart warming and the new ‘cringe.’ I’m happy you’re feeling yourself openly, how would you describe your “truest form?”

Jaq: being who i’ve always wanted to be growing up without really caring what anyone has to say. tbh it’s so hard to tune out societal standards bc they’re so forced. i was bullied like shittt in elementary/middle school and i would conform to what everyone else wanted to do rather than doing,dressing, being who i wanted to just to fit in. now i dress however i feel using colors to express how i feel and dyeing my hair accordingly as well or wearing certain wigs to correspond. to be my truest form would be to fully embrace the divine masculine and feminine aspects of who i am rather than one or the other and being fluid with it.

Bb: Yeah when I was growing up, I would hit different aesthetics like 0-60. I’d be four weeks straight dressing preppy and then one day I’d just turn up fully FULLY 80’s inspired and on and on and it took me ages to realize they were less of different phases and more just all the things I liked at once but thought I had to limit to the palatable separation. I love switching colors up to my mood, it feels like my whole body is an actually accurate mood ring in a really freeing way. And I know the last me who was bullied for being extra would be in awe. What would the bullied, past version of yourself think of you now?

Jaq: no frrr!! growing up in a predominantly white school kinda made me wanna be someone i wasn’t. i rejected parts of myself to fit in but it didn’t feel right. i would think im a badass! every aspect that i hid is all coming back to the surface but x10

Bb: I’m a white person who went to a heavily white school with very, very few Black students. And as a result, I was thrown for a loop when I first saw Black goths or really any kind of alt or indie or even folk aesthetic on Black people of any age. That’s one of the things I love about insta is the chance to rewrite my worlds and looks with Black artists rather than the five artists mom says we have at home kinda vibe lolol but was there ever a moment for you where you saw other Black people with alt style and it hit that you weren’t alone?

Jaq: i forgot there was a word for it ALT!! HAHA but it felt so refreshing seeing and meeting people like me it was like “finally!!!” the world seems so small outside of social media but i love how it brings unity across the land and gives people a chance to express their individuality. in virginia beach, i thought i wouldn’t find people like me at all but since i’ve actually got out of my bubble there is so manyy. i though i would have to move to a big city to see something like that.

Bb: I know, I think it’s comical on a level how much people say the internet has warped us into a bitchy generation it’s like, excuse me sir??? Sorry we’re now able to cross talk with other people and agree that something is shitty ?? Like we’re able to compare and exchange directly to each other and not just through mainstream outlets or edited structures. I’m not dismissing the divides that exist but so many communities are thriving and strong and United in ways they’ve never been able to before. Did you used to romanticize/fantasize about living in a big city growing up?

Jaq: hell yeah especially california!! i still wanna go and live there at least once but i’ve came to realize that everything is beautiful wherever you go. you can romanticize wherever you live no matter the community it’s what you make it out to be!

Bb: Yeah, I grew up in a very idyllic, coastal California city and I hated it because the people so I kind of romanticized social lives over locations. But made my community online. What was your first social media platform?

Jaq: twitter and tumblr i still use them both hahah. i’ve had my twitter since 2012 when one direction was hot and same with tumblr. i still use them both now but the inspiration on tumblr is such a beautiful thing it’s one of my favorite platforms till this dayy!

Bb: My biggest regret but also possibly a good thing for my mental health is that I can’t access my middle school tumblr profile. I feel like tumblr is part of what really sparked the mood board/aesthetic consumption we have. Not just on platforms but how we decorate ourselves and our rooms. But thinking on my experience with tumblr, my feed and everything I saw was very sad white girl centric, (I’d call that era s*lf h*rm and heart shaped glasses) what was/is your feed like?

Jaq: i can’t even remember i had to definitely make a new one but fr! it’s helped my creativity so much over the years. it did not help me when i was going through the sh phase though and the way it romanticized h*rming.. that’s why i deleted my first page. i honestly express myself more thoroughly on my new one since it’s not a big platform. it’s a good visual diary for me even though it’s public. my tumblr now is kinda lovecore/crushcore. im a big ass hopeless romantic!!

Bb: Not gonna lie, I’m definitely starting a tumblr up again after this convo. What fed your hopeless romanticism? Was it something you consumed and fantasized or something you sought after in reality over and over?

Jaq: i grew up thinking no one would ever like me like that so i turned to watch other people fall in love just hoping one day it’d happen for me but not like in the movies or books cause of how unrealistic they could be. i never really understood what true love looked like still to this day it perplexes me but overwhelms me with joy seeing it in reality. i had to take my rose tinted colored lenses off bc nothing i gave out was reciprocated in my last long-term relationship but i still love love. it’s so beautiful to find in this world especially when it’s all over the place not even just romantically. it keeps everything running for if we didn’t have love i honestly think the world would go to shit.

Bb: That was such a beautiful thing to wake up and read. I completely feel you, when you’re in love with showing love, people can either knowingly or unknowningly prey on that when they’re in a place to reciprocate you. It feels like a never ending spiral sometimes. Why did you think no one would ever like you like that growing up?

Jaq: hell yeah there’s a lot of energy vampires!! i felt like i was always last choice or no ones. my insecurities were the main reason i felt that way but i hid them. i would compare myself to what everyone else seemed even the crushes i had at the time. it was a destructive cycle for me i really needed to close and come to terms with all my flaws. deeming them as beauty rather than something that takes away from it bc they’re all apart of me. to think back on it now i was really harsh on myself. i bullied my own self more than anyone else could from how personally i took things. it was a process to really delve deep and forgive myself for all of it.

Bb: What’s your advice to anyone on that journey of embracing and forgiving yourself?

Jaq: love yourself unconditionally through it all. whether you didn’t receiving the love support, forgiveness, guidance from someone else growing up or now; when it comes from you it makes you feel whole again. the love of self radiates and transcends all things. also to be patient with yourself through your journey and don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Bb: Oo that’s really resonating, in this context, don’t bite the hand that feeds you as in your own hand?

Jaq: your own hand, the ones that have loved you without reasoning (family, friends, pets etc) and being grateful for it !

Bb: I like how you speak of self love as innate. Like we all are born blank slates with no reason not to love ourselves and from there, we’re taught and subconsciously learn reasons not to. We don’t have to learn self love, we have to unlearn not loving your self? Or maybe I took the ball and ran somewhere off field lol to switch gears from love to laughs, what makes you chuckle or brings you joy?

Jaq: exactly that. we were born into harsh human conditioning kinda like programming. you’re on the right track you gotta unlearn all the things you thought you knew were right to come to a census with yourself about how you truly feel about you rather than other perceptions. i really love dry humor i find so much shit funny but what brings me the most joy is around children. the pure joy they exude is so precious and so abused at the same time. we take for granted how much children absorb growing up.

Bb: Yeah, what happens in your formative years doesn’t always get remembered but it’s almost harder when you can’t find the scars by you know they’re there. It’s a battle of self doubt. What were your favorite shows growing up verse now?

Jaq: skins was my favorite show growing up but not for the best reasons. i went back and watched it again not too long ago to realize how much it fed into my mental health in such a negative way. now i watch more sitcoms hahah. my favorite show now is arrested development and the good place.

Bb: YES I call it the effy effect but it’s like that post 2000’s breakthrough in mainstream where mental health was addressed in kids but made sexy. I would totally lean into some of my toxic and destructive habits because I thought it at least made me cool. If there was a sitcom about you, what would it be called

Jaq: that’s a good one. maybe mariposa. 

Bb: Ooo why mariposa?

Jaq: everyone goes through phases just like nature and the seasons. end goal is always to get outside of your comfort/your cocoon. however safe it felt, you cannot always stay comfortable in places that were only temporarily meant for you. biggest lesson i learned tbh is really letting go of everything from the past so i could grow without carrying all the weight of it.

Bb: Last question, what growth do you wanna see for yourself?

Jaq: being more social and making stable connections with likeminded people/friends. i also wanna help people get out of their shells (and feel safe in the process) through multiple platforms.