Zine 44: blvck hippie

I have come to shed my skin among the sinners of neon lit gay clubs; laced in tight to an outfit made of a fabric that’s gonna chafe. Erratic, glitched out beats cooked up in a bedroom of release shake wherever we are and suddenly my body relieves itself of the duty begrudgingly taken up 26 years ago. As my head tilts back, a smile breaks out and the cameras spin around, getting every angle of me letting go of caring if my ass looks good. The glitter is in the air and the poppers are in the bathroom, but as the cameras lens gets covered by other dancers, the image shifts. One turn and now it’s a small basement with almost no lighting, there’s a keg in the corner someone had to brute force open only to be emptied minutes later. I’m still in focus. My dancing hasn’t changed. The erratic, glitched beats become moody blues and surfy twangs. My arms are moving to the emotional hits now. I’m home. We’re in an indie rock concert, the rare ones where you walk in and the band just knows. They know what they’ve been through and they know what they need to do to heal. And in their certainty lies a release. Before I saw myself in the queers on tv, I heard myself in the scratchy speakers of small venues. The two giving me something I’d grow to realize I depended on with my life; a compass. An idea that I’m not alone and that it isn’t in the cookie cutter box that I’ll find my resolution. I’m sitting on my bed now. My AirPods are in and the sound is coming in crisp and clear. Despite that, and despite the fact that they are not wearing kiddie gloves when it comes to being vulnerable, I felt like I was in Velvet Jones back home or a random sliver of a building in New York. I was safe within the walls of their songs. Before I was strong enough to explore my identity, I had to explore being strong enough to endure pain. Albums like If You Feel Alone at Parties, by wallowing in the darkness, made me feel less alone when I tripped and fell. 

Baby Ballou: What artistic mediums do you like/use?

Blvck Hippie: I do music mostly. I aim to get more into film and stuff cause that’s something else I love and consume constantly
Bb: What’s the first film you watched that you actually like registered? Because my parents showed me a bunch of films growing up but Sunday in the Park with George was the first one I remember like engaging my thought process with even as a kid

Blvck Hippie: Hmmm. I remember the first movie I saw in theaters was the tigger movie and I cried when the scene popped up and it was like hella tiggers lol my folks were huge on blockbuster we’d usually go like once a month and I remember renting disneys Robin Hood with the animals like constantly

Bb: Do you cry at movies often? I constantly cry. If you show me a scene, especially, if an act of like sacrifice for love, I’m gone. So much so that I cried at night at the museum 3 when Ben stiller left his job at the museum to protect his friends. And I only recently met someone who couldn’t comprehend how I lose distance in my emotions with movies so much

Blvck Hippie: Not often. But I do cry during tv shows when something sad or wholemsome happens. I went through this period where I would get really high and cry to Ted lasso episodes lol

Bb: OKAY well hello and welcome to the club. One of the producers of Ted Lasso produced my two other favorite shows, scrubs and cougar town, so Ted lasso feels like it was made to make me ball. I think it’s so interesting how everyone can interpret even not abstract things differently. I have this one theme that I see throughout Ted lasso, and makes me cry. What theme or patterns in it made you cry/hit your emotions harder?

Blvck Hippie: I think it’s how the characters care so much about each other. Like when Roy hugged Jamie after his dad went off on him in the locker room after they lost to Mann city I balled like a baby

Bb: Is any part of that because it was conventionally masculine figures showing sensitivity?

Blvck Hippie: I guess a little. Im always a sucker for the always angry guy who hates everyone but cares about one or two people thing. It’s super predictable but still gets me all the same lol

Bb: If you had to describe yourself as a tv trope/archetype, what would it be?

Blvck Hippie: Hmm probably the guy that finds out he’s a dad and finds himself along the way. You know those shows were it’s like the guy finds out he’s a dad and he’s like I can barely take care of and love myself then magically finds happiness and such.  Kinda like disneys the game plan. Which I cry constantly to lol

Bb: Aw I love that! May I ask how old your daughter is? I’ve seen you two on tik tok and I can’t lie, each video could completely be in the title sequence to one of those shows, she seems so loving!

Blvck Hippie: She’s 3 1/2. She is so hilarious lol she is so smart and super opinionated and stuff. I feel like she’s a lot like me at that age so it’s weird to watch but she is like my entire world

Bb: Wow so your experience being a parent and her just time on earth has predominantly been during the pandemic and the protests. What has that been like to raise a kid during, especially as a Black family?

Blvck Hippie: It was pretty weird. So I usually get her a few weekends a month so during last summer it was really hard cause I was working so much at my shitty restaurant job. I was prettt thankful though cause she kinda helped me keep perspective between all the protest, pandemic, and not being able to play or tour. Her existence kinda showed me that shit isn’t all that bad and no matter what I have a tiny human who’s just happy to see me and happy to be experiencing life

Bb: There’s definitely a tug of war with millennials and gen z between nihilism and revolutionary optimism. How has she helped you lean towards the latter?

Blvck Hippie: I feel like being around her forces me to look at things through her eyes, which are the eyes of like an innocent kid who doesn’t know how awful things are. Like even something as small as going to the zoo is wild cause alone I’m like this is fucked up conditions for these helpless animals, but with her it’s like amazing

Bb: Has that perspective change and your experience with her affected your music process?

Blvck Hippie: Definitely I feel like being a dad kindve added like a whole level of pressure to everything I do which made me take music a lot more serious. It kindve took away the “good enough” mentality and replaced it with a mentality of perfection and a mentality of killing everything I do musically, for her future and so she can look back at it when she’s older and relate to it. Cause what if she has my same struggles. The least I can do is write albums that can be there for even if I can’t sometimes because of tour and shit

Bb: That’s a really beautiful reasoning. I remember watching the monkees tv show with my dad as a kid and there was a bts interview with them where Mickey Dolenz said if he wasn’t there, he wanted to be an architect because he liked the idea of building something that lasts beyond him. And I’ve always wanted to miraculously run in to him and tell him that growing up with him forever made me prioritize making people smile and that he built something inside every decision and every friend I make. (I’m sappy if you can’t tell) how do song ideas first come to you?

Blvck Hippie: Song ideas typically come from me messing around on an instrument then usually it all kinda just comes to me in like a burst of emotion that kinda drives the music. Then after I usually have like I picture in my head or like a scene that the music makes me think of then I write lyrics around it. I normally don’t write lyrics until I have a full thought out demo and I’ve already jammed it with my drummer 

Bb: Ooo the norm of people I talk to tends to be lyrics first or lyrics and the melody together. I’m intrigued that lyrics tend to come somewhat last process wise, do you find there’s a specific emotion fueling the demo that then lines up with the music? Or have you ever made a demo and jammed to one emotion, say happy, and then come time for the lyrics, they come out opposite, say sad?

Blvck Hippie: I feel like a lot of my drive on the lyrics and music is fueled by nostalgia. Like if a demo and lyrics reminds me of going to this specific big Memphis mall in the 90s as a kid or reminds me of my childhood then I usually think it’s perfect

Bb: Okay side tangent, let’s discuss malls. They were everything in the 90’s and 2000’s, and digging in the mall talking shit with my friend felt cinematic at a mall even if we’d spent the whole day doing the same thing except at one of our houses. malls got killed by online shopping in a fun capitalism killed the capitalism star cycle. What was your favorite part of malls?

Blvck Hippie: Man my favorite part was this toy store they had called KB Toys it was peak 90s excess I guess but I loved them. It’s wild cause after they stopped being in malls they would still be in outlet malls so like late elementary school/ early middle school I would go to them if we went to outlet malls

Bb: I come from a very white wealthy town that back when I was growing up absolutely did not care about catering to people under 18 and that culminated into a local mall that we all hung at but wasn’t for us. There was one corner that had a toy store, a wet seal, a claire’s and a sears and then the rest of the mall was straight up steakhouses, Louis Vuitton, Tiffany’s, etc. plus it was an outdoor mall so it was a really weird mix of typical 90’s mall vibes but in a very distinct bubble. When you were a kid (like ages 10-16 ish, what were the kind of items you would buy or save up for?

Blvck Hippie: Middle school I was mostly saving up for video games, street wear clothes, and shitty looking shoes haha. Like 15/16 it was definitely basketball shoes and like Hollister clothes which is so cringe to think about. Having to shop in the fucking dark to buy a $40 shirt that just said Hollister lol it’s weird to think about cause now I just buy stuff for my girlfriend and daughter and the occasional guitar pedal cause I don’t like a lot of things and I’d much rather restyle clothes I already have than buy new ones

Bb: Yeah Hollister, aerosptatle, Abercrombie .. those stores are like triggers because it’s such a strong memory of the extremely poor lighting, stale perfumed air and awkward workers. Since it was just the holiday season, and while I denounce capitalism and this isn’t an attempt to romanticize it, how would you rate yourself as a gift giver and what’s the best gift you’ve given your girlfriend or daughter? 

Blvck Hippie: 10/10 great gift giver. Like I pay attention to everything cause I’m an anxious person so any tiny thing someone brings up once I’ll remember and buy. Man girlfriend I got her this 18th century dress for Valentine’s Day for this whole bridgerton themed date lol my daughter..it’s definitely the tea set I got her for Christmas

Bb: Wowowowow yeah definitely 10’s across the board. Not to get weirdly therapy session but sometimes I’m really really good at something because My anxiety makes me move fast or remember things I wouldn’t normally, etc plus another level of anxiety about how it’ll impact people. So I have, not imposter syndrome but I don’t know what term to use, I can’t perceive myself as capable. And it’s not healthy or anything but I get scared that im not good at anything, im just struck with crippling anxiety about fucking up. Have you ever felt something similar/how do you view your anxiety and it’s place in creation and production?

Blvck Hippie: I’m the same way. I feel like most of my trauma responses and anxiety make me good at stuff for that same reason. I feel like my mental health is so wrapped into my creativity. I feel like everything I hate about my mental health seems to help me when it comes to making art so I guess I’m kinda glad I have music so I can channel all of into something tangible. I will say what helps me make music mental health wise makes it hard as fuck to perform sometimes but it’s something I’ve been able to get by over the years

Bb: Yes! I work as a barista and all the things I excel at, which is moving throughout the cafe and preemptively helping other people by grabbing stuff or starting something, people perceive it as me being quick and collaborative but it’s more because the idea that I’m not doing enough and they’ll think I’m selfish is spiking my adrenaline. How have you been able to grow to a place to perform songs written in old wounds?

Blvck Hippie: It’s kinda weird sometimes. I feel like before we had new material it was a little weird cause the songs from the EP seem so long ago that it was hard to perform them cause I didn’t really care about the pain I wrote them about cause I moved past it. But with the songs off this record it’s different cause I feel like most of the wounds are still fresh so I usually try to focus and dwell on all the pain the songs are about so I can give like the most authentic performance for people so that they can feel what I felt in real time as I feel it. Which probably sounds lame or cheesy lol

Bb: It doesn’t sound cheesy! Putting so much emotion into your songs, healing from it as well as immersing in it, what do you hope the listeners pull from your songs?

Blvck Hippie: I hope they feel less alone and by my vulnerability they realize it’s okay to not be okay and that things will always get better

Bb: What does “things will always get better” mean to you?

Blvck Hippie: Hmm that’s a tuff one lol. I guess it comes from me thinking about my past how I always told myself I wouldn’t make it past 25 cause I probably would kill myself by then, and like I turn 27 in April and between my daughter, the people I’m surrounded by and my music career I can’t imagine not being here to see it. Like I still want to die everyday but I’ve never been this close to happy in my life and had I died I would have missed it. So I feel like things always get better it may be cheesy or overly optimistic but the longer you live the higher chances you have of things getting better. And I want everyone who listens to my music and sees me being open about my mental to know that and to know I believe in that and I will be there for them through music for as long as I can make songs.