Zine #16: Starring Synead
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There are people who have self-realizations about their passions. Then, there are people whose passion is self-realizations. While clunking worded, the latter aptly describes artist Synead. From the first words we exchange, Synead is nothing but eager to dive into all the ways she’s grown during quarantine. Halfway along and we’re making self-realizations together, and about each other and as a conglomerate unit; all of it. It was a conversation of enjoyable unpacking. ‘Phase’ was the first song by her I found and it was love at first sonic sight. The song represents the fluidity of oneself, the essence of our individual being. Where people so often throw the word around as if having varied phases sis a negative, Synead offers an embracing of the word and the ability to grow and change. While the instrumentation is a unique symphony of strings and electronic, Synead uses the consonants to punctuate the percussion. For a simpler song, it manages to take up the entire room. Suddenly, I’m on a floating mattress lazily watching an old era melt away. The water is warm and rosy, my fingers calmly trace the inflections in her vocals. The water is still, motionless and calming and yet somehow I’m being softly carried away by it. It’s like looking out the window on a road trip as a kid, except instead of blurred farms or concrete structures, it’s carnations as tall as palm trees. It’s clumps of sage growing and braided together. It’s the small store, unassuming but enchanting, calling and compelling you to beg your parents to pull over. Please, I HAVE to go inside. But you watch it speed off into the rear view mirror; an image that sits with you for life.
Bb: what’re your pronouns? Mine are she/her 🥰💛
Synead: 🌹🌹My pronouns are she/her. Funnily enough someone asked me a few weeks ago and I said “they...whoa I mean she/her!” But that never happened to me before. That was a very very new reaction for me. It made me start thinking about my attachment to gender. I often refer to myself as she/her, but many times I’ll call myself a “husband” or “that man”. My queer friends often tell me I need to stop playing and accept that I am a “gay man” inside. It’s very funny but I love seeing just how untethered we actually are to all of it. Wooof that was a lot! I’m up thinking early baby!
Bb: Ahaha oh I feel you, I’ve already contemplated what smell i think represents me back for absolutely no reason other than being up early and thinking lolol I agree! It’s really beautiful that we’re creating a word where fluidity and lack of restriction is being pushed and established by the younger generations. May I ask, why do you think your instinct suddenly became saying “they” when you didn’t intend to?
Synead: Well.....😈lolllol I’ve been dealing with my own personal identity issues. For a long time I’ve always floated in between multiple partners. High school was stressful because I was involved with one partner, but there was always someone else kind of on the sidelines. I wouldn’t necessarily always engage them, but they’d be there willing to be there. When you’re working within an oppressive structure such as heterosexuality, as a young girl I am diligently working to be the best hetero chick ever! But that wasn’t true for me. As I got older I was able to explore what all of this meant to me. How am I supposed to engage? Would you believe it took the Covid-19 pandemic for me to finally accept that I am polyamorous. I love love. But love is not necessarily sexual. I was able to pick apart love in this regard. Love is expansive. Some deal with sex. Some deal with emotion. Some deal with support. Some deal with acts of service. It all varies but I have a large capacity for love. I love love! And since committing and standing up with this truth, I have been FLOURISHING GIRL. My smile is brighter. My heart is lighter. Everyone is like “bitchhhh you’re radiating! What are you doing?!” Cutting people off and accepting my internal truths 🥴😭
Bb: Yesss!! We celebrate loving our true selves and however we identify in this house (and by this house, I mean me on my tiny pleather couch) And that’s something I’ve noticed a lot when talking to Polyamorous people, is that they tend to be more focused on emotional support and open communication than hetero couples are. It’s somewhat funny (in the not funny way) that people picture poly people as hyper sexual when I’ve only known poly people who prioritize the sex aspect over the connection aspect. Was there a catalyst behind embracing your truth, or was it just the months of time that force us to binge self-reflection?
Synead: Hmmmmm well sometime in my 20s I entered my first open relationship. I wasn’t too keen on it at first because of my codependent issues, but then I thought “bitchhh you need to open up. Relax.” and give myself this chance to explore my options while I’m still in the space of figuring out my place in the world. My partner also needed some space and I wanted to not be rigid during that time. So we opened it up and I was able to experience so many different relationships and circumstances because of that. Grateful for it. A few years later I took a chance and had an open relationship with two partners. It proved to be difficult because the communication between all the parties, the three of us, wasn’t totally honest. I also hadn’t unpacked what love and relationships honestly meant to me. After that crashed and burned I decided that I wasn’t right. I wasn’t whole. I had been jumping from relationship to relationship since I was about 14 years old and at 27 i had never spent more than 9. Months alone. I didn’t like how that sounded coming out my mouth let alone writing it. I was heart broken from being broken up with twice and I decided back in 2018 okayyyyy Im going on a romantic love sabbatical.
Bb: It’s beautiful how even in your heartbreaks or pains, it came from you trying or expanding. Our society is so dependent on structure as a mentality that it’s not just going against normalities, you have to be able to break down entire notions and imagine things you might not ever find a parallel of in life or media. You seem to be very embracing of breaking down walls so you can explore even further rather than breaking them down just to build up new ones. How was/is the sabbatical?
Synead: Welllll it started in April of 2018 after I got broken up with then ghosted by the other bae. I said id go til 2020. I still fucked around but I had no real intention of dating anyone. I also realized during that time that I had a serious dick attachment. Randomly in August of 2019, I tried DMT for the first time and whenever I try psychedelics I always go in with a question. I want to try and use the time wisely so always asking very introspective things. My main question was “should I give up my sabbatical in January 2020?” I remember looking at myself in my friends mirror and the feeling that washed over me when I looked at myself, alone. No one was next to me; no one in my view and I felt so much euphoria seeing myself for myself. Not external fluff. It felt so good. I contracted into a plead (modern dance technique; graham specific) and just yelled inside of myself “NOOOOO!!!! KEEP GOING”. It felt so visceral and necessary. So I kept going. It’s October 2020 and I’m still single. It’s been over 2 years now and I’ve never been alone this long, but I knew and know if I want a stable partnership I need to be able to stand alone. At the end of the day, I’m always best for me. I don’t know what’s going to happen with anyone, but I know I’ll be good because I’m literally still here. I’ve had loads of times where I wondered if it was even worth it anymore. Those were the time times I spent very late nights looking inside bottles of tequila. But if I could just push past to the next day...then I could be just a little bit closer to the freedom I do desperately yearned for. If I could have faith that a future me would want to exist then I have to take the steps, no matter how little, towards that woman. Faith is hard to have because you can’t see it. You just have to believe in it and if you can believe in something you can’t see then whyyyyyy the fuck can’t i believe in the one thing that I see everyyyyy fuckinggggg dayyyyy when I look in the mirror😭😭😭😭😭🤧🤧🤧🤧
Bb: Wowowowow I feel that last sentence so hard. You have a lot of conviction and I really admire how curious about yourself you are. So many people only seek to know the unknowns of the world and not of themselves. How has creativity played a part, if at all, in this journey?
Synead: Woooooof. HAHAAHAHAHA It’s really helped me step into being the ULTIMATE RULER OF MY CREATIVITY. I used to let a lot of people sort of tell me what to do and how to be creative but now that I have some more of a semblance of who I am and know what makes me, me...there is not a soul that can tell me what to do and how to do it bc that’s not for them to do. I’ve been able to tap in to other creative aspects of myself. I’m a very right brained person but all of a sudden I’m trying to think more analytically and philosophically which is all left-brained activity which I think I shyed away from for some time because I didn’t think I had the capacity. Just thinking on how creativity doesn’t just have to be art based. There’s creativity in being, speaking, thinking, talking, emoting, etc... It just permeates a lot more now thru my existence. Kinda fucking coooool.
Bb: I completely agree. I honestly consider my art form to be conversations. Which sounds weird to a lot of people but makes perfect sense to me lol so including whatever makes sense to you, what are your art forms, aside from existence as your true self?
Synead: Current art forms:
-movement
-music/singing
-acting
-and currently back in the circuit of writing/filmmmaking
They’re all so intertwined. I was always singing but it’s movement/dancing that really got me to open up and start singing my heart out. It gave me access to my body
Bb: Ooo interesting. I like the notion of accessing your own body, what does that look like to you? What did it push forward in you musically when you began movement?
Synead: It helped me find my voice honestly. it allowed me to open up my throat and explore the sounds and moods and the "body" of my voice. it also gave the space to explore musically. what does it feel like to feel my voice from my feet? from in my chest? head? etc... my body is my instrument!
Bb: I’m asking because I have this opinion but can’t articulate why, the movement of bending backwards - which I’ve noticed in a couple pics and videos of you - is something very stirring, to see the body bend like that. It’s very powerful. Having this connection with your body, maybe you can put better words to it. What do you feel when you arch back like that, why do you think it carries visual weight?
Synead: damn you're good. hmmmm. *thinks deeply* well i think womxn are often carrying so many things on their backs- family, ideas, desires, the world, stress, to see it so free and without real strain, but malleability; mobility...that's so magical. no weight on my back. freedom from any weight period.
Bb: Oooo yes that’s a very, very good way of putting it in words. What was it like creating or working on it during the pandemic and social revolutions?
Synead: Disastrous. HAHAAHAH Nahhhh it was excellent but not without its pains. I pretty much had to overhaul who I was in a lot of ways and come to terms with where I was and with where I am going. As I delved into my spiritual work and development, it’s been forcing to me to look at my work much deeper. More intrinsically. It’s been fucking beautiful honestly. The way I’m looking at the world and my expression...it feels like a new world to me. Probably because I feel brand new. There are so many pathways that I could take and they branch off in so many directions that I’m just following the roads as the unfold. Exciting stuff. It’s been riveting to say the least.
Bb: I love how much devotion to growth you carry. It’s inspiring. Who do you hope phases-and forward-era inspires?
Synead: I hope it somehow manages to continue to inspire me, but anyone who comes in contact with me. Even the “negative” folx. I hope they feel the energy permeate and feel prompted to delve deeper into their hearts. I hope it inspires everyone to know that the possibilities and options to be their best selves are never ending. There’s always a chance to step towards a better life. I hope they look at me and see that risks, the right ones, are always worth it. I’ve been risking it big for a large portion of my life and I just want people to risk it all for the better. I used to risk it for the worse sometimes. Happy I did. I wouldn’t have learned but actually I hope this inspires my future family. I’m pretty much doing all this for my future self and community.
Bb: What’re some forms of support people can take to celebrate you?
Synead: I know people hate hearing this but RUNNING THOSE COINS ARE THE BEST WAY TO SUPPORT. number one. Venmo/Cashapp (cidnix/$cidnix) Ultimately besides that bc money doesn’t really make the world go round- but nurturing the community. I love to be nourished. Acts of service. Support the music. Connect me to opportunities if you don’t want to spend the bread. I just tweeted this the other day:
For me this is most important. All I want to do is make art and I literally quit my job in July because I finally can’t work for people that don’t care whether I live or die. I care. I want to live. I want to change the world. I can only do that if people really step up and support me and my music. The art. The ARTIST. I keep my integrity because as much as I’m doing this for my fulfillment, I’m using this as a stepping stone to step up in the world and make a change. But I cannot do that if people don’t show how they support. Don’t support in secret. Don’t support me if you’re looking for clout. Support me because we have work to do and I am 100% committed to the empowerment and the advancement of my community- the black femme community. If we don’t win, no one else does. If you don’t raise us up, we cannot feel safe to do our work. But imagine we remain unsafe and still get the jobs done. I’m a about a revolution and nothing else. It’s time we start lifting up voices that actually give a fuck.
Bb: And I think that’s especially an important call out for us, white pop culture consumers. There are ways to efficiently support in the algorithm, streaming, so many ways to support an artist if you don’t have coin (although those of us that do also need to be better about just giving the coin and not justifying less than the most.) and people seem to only support Black artists once they’ve reached enough of a success to “prove themselves” whereas white artists, it’s almost a flex to know smaller/most indie bands. That passion for the underground, coming up artists doesn’t carry over to Black artists, especially ones who don’t fit neatly in hip hop or r&b. What would it have meant for you growing up to have the kind of artist you are to look up to?
Synead: Maaaaaan If I knew there were artists like myself I would probably have felt more inclined to have control over my art point blank period. I wouldn’t have felt the need to go looking to someone else to validate me. I think about it now and I’m like damnnnn I literally went to men, white adjacent men because it seemed as if they knew more about me. Even if they actually didn’t. I was so suckered into the culture of what this industry makes us believe that I didn’t even believe in my own ability to push myself forward. I needed to have the voice of a white man vouching for me telling people I’m valid. So fucking over it. Never again and maybe going back to that question way up there who do I wanna inspire???? BLACK WOMXN EVERYWHERE. FUCK THESE GATEKEEPERS. KNOCK EM OUT. CUT DEM OFFFFF. MOVE BITXH GET OUT THE WAY AND PAVE YOUR WAY TO YOUR DESTINY!!!!