Zine 42: Bytch Nastee

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One of my favorite things about making these conversation zines is being reminded of optimism in the face of needed revolution. It’s weird to think that just 50 years ago, a single photo of a young girl doused in Agent Orange helped turn the tide of public favor against the Vietnam War. Those of us born to the kids who watched that unfold have been saturated with not just images, but graphic videos, constant anecdotes and realities that past technology didn’t even have the capacity to capture. A single photo helped change the world back then, now we drown ourselves in images just like that one on the daily.  In our oppressive bid to be number one, we left our children standing in nothing but a superiority of nihilism. We learn of new ways society is killing parts of itself off constantly. No holds barred. And we are desensitized. And in this dystopian world we don’t acknowledge, the most powerful people are the ones fueled by a love for what could be and not a hate for what is. How powerful it is to wake up every day, connect into the modern world and still decide to be a force of brightness. I don’t mean being nice to everyone or ‘talking it out.’ I don’t mean diplomacy. I don’t mean shiny palatability. I mean the people who show up when its dirty, when its dark, when it smells like shit. The people who make light of rats scurrying around until everyone’s pepped up enough to make a plan of action. They’re the people who don’t need to be related by blood or by acquaintance to swell the needed adrenaline to lift a car and pull someone to safety. Bytch Nastee is the latest person to invoke this vibe; the kind of person who doesn’t process success unless its lifting at least a handful of other people up with him. A queer weirdo after my own heart. 

Baby Ballou: What was your first creative outlet? 

Bytch Nastee: My house growing up, actually! I would make lip sync videos in my living room with my best friends (no longer alive bc it’s in an abandoned Dell computer somewhere) and practice imitating Tina Turner and Cher’s backup dancers lmfaooo

BB: I love that! Would y’all style yourself up and make it a whole moment?

Bytch Nastee: When I was by myself!! When I was with friends mostly we played with the cameras and music effects! We were dancers

BB: Fast forwarding a bit, and we’ll go back and fill in more details but, now as a drag artist and beyond, what aspects or feelings or even tricks from that childhood fun do you hold on to in your present day performances?

Bytch Nastee: I definitely still use poses and moves that I’ve seen in film and concerts, but I feel like now they live in my body. My spirit is able to make it come from me and not just what I perceive as imitation. 

When I was a kid I wanted to be on Broadway and have that Roxie Hart/Doja Cat moment with my name spelled in lights and an ensemble of sorts. I really went for it in high school and realized very quickly I hated needing acceptance for roles. It made my life hell then but now I can create those moments for myself every time I perform in a drag show. I don’t need a director or costumer telling me how to dress or move. I create my own machine now and put forth what I think audiences would like to see.

BB: Can’t wait to take a selfie under your neon name one day 💛 I think people tend to assume that queer people in theater must have an easier time than other queers. And while sometimes, theater is a haven, the people involved can still be assholes with bias. Drag is very much every component of a Broadway show but even bigger, why do you think having the power to be every role, the entire crew, director, performer, etc for yourself attracts misfits and outcasts?

Bytch Nastee: The only people that have an easy time (from my observation) are of any race or sexual orientation but with some European features and a signature voice. Hearing my theater instructors talk, it sounded like the fashion world: you have to schmooze, blow smoke up some skirts, and have a certain aloofness as to not be too demanding and be a product for someone else. It was all revolved around power. And anyone that has had power taken from them at one point (like most outcasts have), there can be a need to regain that power and more. Putting on a whole production (even if it’s just the illusion that you did it alone) for a random bar is a power that no one is ready for. There is a king named Vik Floyd who builds an entire set to travel with. That’s power. Making your own iconic moments is power!  Arguably, performing for an audience can feel like needing acceptance; some performers rely on reaction to stay engaged. I’m currently still in the process of releasing that feeling. As a burlesque performer when you look into the audience, you quickly find out who is feeling your vibe or not. If you rely on a smile, you might not get it. I love to engage with audience members and I’m also a water sign so I take it very personally if someone has a stank face during my set, but knowing that I’m a very particular cup of tea has helped me feel less need for applause. That being said, performing for crowds that love what I do is the best rush I’ve ever felt. And I think that’s what attracts the outcasts the most- finding out that there are people out there who love exactly who you are and don’t want you to be anything else.

BB: Yeah, I have attention and anxiety issues and theater was not the “be as loud and as expressive as you want” outlet it should’ve been. It was very stifling, and a lot of pressure to be indebted to the role almost. And it often just heightened my anxiety issues even more. But I wasn’t good with kids my own age for a while, I wasn’t great at socializing, but I was good at acting so it was liked forced validation because my peers had to make a tiny space for me (begrudgingly) and the crowd, like you said, can fill a hollow void if you’re searching for abstract validation. Let’s say Netflix hits you up and they’re like, we’re gonna give you an infinite budget and all the connections we have and all the time you want to make whatever, what kind of show are you putting on? A one off burlesque special? A reality series?

Bytch Nastee: I would make a everlasting saga of queer spaces with representatives from each pocket of each city so every performer has a moment to immortalize their art. It would be a Netflix search engine essentially where you can type in any city and find the queer performers there but shot cinematically with exclusive interviews of whoever should participate

BB: I LOVE THAT! If that ever manifests itself and you need a bitch to do coffee runs or dictate to, you know where to find me. What were you searching to see in mainstream art that you went without as a kid?

Bytch Nastee: I don’t know that I really went without anything after my teens bc the internet was in full swing at that point and I could craft my own mainstream and learn about the people I personally found interesting. My problem was the people around me giving their own interpretations of what I was absorbing and why I was absorbing it.

BB: What was one of the most frustrating misinterpretations people would project on you?

Bytch Nastee: That I was a copycat!! But that’s how you learn style!! Trying on a bunch of different things until you find what really feels like home in your body. People would project that I was a people pleaser and it eventually pigeon-holed me into really considering every single thing I do and how others will perceive it. It’s kind to do, but only to a certain extent in order to keep your sanity. Further reflecting this morning, I wouldn’t say I was “trying on hats” as much as I was FULLY delving into my interests until I knew everything about it and eventually could find new interests. I am still all of those things I explored when I was younger, but I love all aspects of life and what it has to offer so I really try to participate in everything haha.

BB: What’s your relationship with phases like? It’s a term that as queer people, we hear a lot in regards to our sexuality, our self expression, our aesthetic, etcetera and it’s got a negative connotation sometimes. How do you perceive the word?

Bytch Nastee: I definitely embrace phases because if we’re allowed to be bored by anything it should be our interests 😂 we most certainly should not be bound to something we simply find and all of a sudden want to be involved in. Sometimes you learn that there’s baggage with your interests (JK Rowling, for example) or you just move on to something newly enticing. It’s all okay. As long as you don’t hide that you were once involved; there shouldn’t be shame, ya know? I fully own up to my problematic past interests lmfao

BB: Oof yeah I love classic rock, pop punk and surf rock so every few weeks I learn someone whose art I like is a groomer, an abuser or a bigot. How/why do you think queer friendship and chosen families of marginalized communities hit different?

Bytch Nastee: I think chosen families are powerful because they can fill the void some families leave. As marginalized folks it’s way easier to be distanced from loved ones who don’t want to understand. We can find new family and finally be able to grow.

BB: I think one of the beautiful things about chosen families is how it alleviates a pressure to forgive your own family or people for a lot of us. Forgiveness is very important and so is allowing for accountability and I fully recognize I’ve been the toxic person in relationships before. sometimes, there’s a person in your life who represents dehumanizing yourself or minimizing your pain and sometimes, the healthy option is not forgiving them. I know for me, there are some people who I would constantly find reasons to justify people’s abuse and true freedom was when I stopped. How do you see forgiveness in your journey?

Bytch Nastee: Forgiveness is a touchy subject for me, since most of the forgiving I have to do is with my family. And since coming out to my transphobic mom, I’ve managed a new form of forgiveness in myself. I don’t think I will ever truly know if my trans identity stems from myself or my social observations, because I didn’t have the opportunity or even the vocabulary to ask myself if I didn’t align with my assigned gender. And I’ll never be able to talk to that kid (that I was) again because 20 years is a lot of time to distance yourself from your childhood. And since my family is the gaslighting type I can’t rely on their memories of me either.There was a time in my life when literally the only thing I cared about was making people smile. I could have gone through the worst moments, but as long as I knew I made someone else’s day better, I felt content. Somehow over the last 5 years, I lost that regularity. I started to care about making sure people knew they weren’t being as friendly. I wanted everyone to care as much as I did. I took on the responsibility to try and parent/police other people into kindness. Needless to say, it worked sometimes but for the most part I drove myself crazy holding myself accountable for the world. So, here goes to making myself happy again, by just hoping someone enjoys my energy. If people are unkind, I must remember it is not a reflection of me, unless it’s a direct reaction to my actions. I just want to go back to living easy, and loving life.

BB: Wow that was really beautiful and vulnerable, thank you for sharing those thoughts with me. Let’s celebrate you choosing yourself and your happiness, what about yourself makes you smile?

Bytch Nastee: My ability to make other people smile makes me smile lol!! I like being goofy and silly and showering people with love. On and off stage!

BB: How do you like being showered with love? What’s your love language?

Bytch Nastee: Touch is my primary love language! Honestly acceptance naturally has become my way to feel most loved. I like singing and dancing with people too! I feel really loved if someone wants to perform with me or just share time together. So quality time is another love language!