ZINE 2 RERELEASE: KikiV!bes

Lady Gaga, Beyoncé, Normani

Follow them on instagram

Stream Gameover on Spotify

Their SoundCloud

I released this zine almost a year ago, at the beginning of lockdown. I was still playing around with formats and style when I hit up K!k! - cold call so to say - about an interview. The ensuing conversation over DM’s changed my course with power. K!k! and my’s discussion of pop culture made me realize how differently consumption truly can be, far beyond overt ness or representation. It was a truly individual experience and I was fascinated to hear more about theirs. I’m re-releasing this zine, updated with new graphics, intro and an epilogue convo with k!k!, because this conversation marks something in my brain. I just erased what feels like 500 sentences attempting to explain but I can’t. But something flicked a switch for me and I’ve always just loved this talk. 

I found k!k!, the 🌈 e-queen of the Bay Area, through a Camp QT zoom show. I didn’t see them perform, honestly I don’t even know if they were on the bill. But I was stoned, vibing and somehow ended on their instagram page. I became quickly obsessed, in crush mode and looking for their Twitter. After a month of following them, without having many direct interactions, I feel like I could successfully send them niche memes they’d enjoy. Their social media is the perfect kind of tumblr diary spirit that I needed without the obnoxious teen angst; a clever self awareness replaces it. But I feel the need to clarify something about their brand of bitter. It’s not from being jaded or unconcerned, quite the opposite. It comes from loving so much, all at once. Their sardonic tweets and eye rolls aren’t dismissive of the world around them. K!k! loves her friends and communities with so much fervor. A constantly bleeding heart who has learned to to dip two fingers in, brush the blood on their cheeks and ready for war. When you love others, when you truly root for their success, when you’re invested in their art - and you have to see them slammed down and passed over in the name of bigotry over end over, things are personal on a level those not in the communities can’t understand. K!k! is an emblem of a generation written off as bratty simply for refusing to accept bullshit. K!k! Is so in love with parts of the world that it hurts beyond belief at times; toughness built on compassion has never been more of a needed superpower than now. 

Bb: I love Game Over but i know it’s been out/around since before it came to Spotify and such. What was the journey with this song?

K!k!: I wrote the chorus of the song on ukelele all the way back in 2012 after being heartbroken over and over. The original verses were very depressing and more indie singer songwriter, the process was very cathartic and helped me move on. I decided I wanted to get back into music, so I produced and recorded the song all by myself last year and released it on soundcloud and the music video on youtube in June. It didn’t feel finished or professional sounding enough to put up on all streaming yet. Lez Pop Records asked me to be on her EP The Girls and we collaborated well on Popworld, so having her mix Gameover was the perfect move! I was scared at first to put my music on streaming because it felt very official and required me taking my self as an artist and rapper more seriously, but I moved through the anxiety and it’s been fun! Hearing my own music in the car on spotify is very rewarding.

Bb: I wanna ask about how you came to produce but before I do, I love that it started out more indie and depressing. Why do you think you took it from there and came out with something more hypepop / queer/femme-powerment bop?

K!k!: I was really inspired by Oblivion by Grimes, and how she took trauma and made an upbeat happy sounding song. I loved the symbolism in that and I feel like I live my life that way, working through sadness into something colorful. To come back to my song years later and rework it was very healing, and I had more insight on myself and clarity about my past. Gameover is a funny diss track but there was a lot of pain and traumatic situations I’m still working through, and music has been very empowering in that process. When I first wrote this song I thought I was content dating boys or that even when I was unhappy I had no other choice, but the new lyrics add a journey of self discovery of being out and proud. I wanted Gameover to sound like a 90s techno video game soundtrack. The song has elements from Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter. As I wrote it I imagined a badass character like Chun Li or Kitana going through different levels and finally defeating her enemy. I love how when Chun Li wins she says “I’m the strongest woman in the world,” so I had to add that in at the end!

Bb: Okay well Fuck me up and give me an amazing answer. I love that. So this song really fully tracks your change in coping or captured a momentary glimpse of it. Had you produced before? All of it is very cohesive thematically and sonically so to say

K!k!: Yes thats a beautiful way to put it! Thank you that means a lot 🥺 it’s my first official production. In middle school I used to go to my friend’s houses and play around with garageband. I had a “band” on myspace called “Bigfoot and the Tangerines” which was just a bunch of loops with me saying random spoken word. I recently learned Logic Pro X which is just fancy Garageband so it came to me pretty easy. I had fun using a midi keyboard on Gameover and I’m excited to grow and make beats from fully from scratch someday. I also wanna learn how to mix my vocals, I love the super autotune sound a lot of trap artists have on the radio. 

Bb: Okay is it just me or do you remember that era on like late 2000’s when hipster-ism was at its most potent and lethal - I remember a meme some kid from school posted on Facebook. It was a side by side of a Stairway to Heaven against Single Ladies chorus with some bullshit like “one is written by one person, the other by 13 - you can’t tell me real music isn’t dead” or some other circle jerk over should-never-have-been-idolized jackass John Lennon type shit. And similar sentiments about auto tune degrading music. And we’ve come a long way culturally but have you, and I recognize this is almost ironic to be asking right now of all times, experiences or kind of noticed a shift in music genre division in fans? Also I have to hands up admit I was like an ignorant gross third wave feminist hipster back then so I probably liked those posts - all I can do is stream chromatica and atone

K!k!: I was such a hipster I still kinda am sometimes! I still get that possessive indie kid feeling when one of my fave artists starts to blow up. I remember posts like that! I still see stans comparing Beyonce to their faves and they always bring up the number of writers on her tracks. I always see Beyonce and Gaga compared which is so silly because they’re friends and have one of the best collabs of all time ☎️ ! There’s a lot of anti blackness on stan twitter, and a lot of talking down on genres like rap, trap, and hip hop. It’s wild to me because all their white faves love to dabble in these genres then throw them away when no longer convenient.

Bb: It also doesn’t take into account that decades ago, copyright and crediting in music was a whole nother story. Like Beyoncé getting smeared for properly paying and crediting any collaborators. The sixties was so fueled by Laurel Canyon type musicians editing musicians that everything has twenty different set of fingerprints, but the liner notes were able to just list the band members type situation. When I think of all my white pop faves, they really do span the spectrum of aesthetic but when I think about, the Black womxn if pop that come to mind are definitely pigeonholed into a more select/limited amount of archetypes. I don’t want to put words in your mouth preemptively or ask a dumb question but like I went from P!nk to Gwen to Lana to Hayley and those were all so easy and accessible to grab on to. I can’t think of famous, like right on the mainstream surface Black faves for every different randomly nuanced phase you go through growing up. Was that what it felt like at all? At the time of growing up* it has changed a little since the 2000’s but...

K!k!: The 2000s were a really crazy time and I think they get glamorized a lot now but there was a lot of toxic shit going on that we see more clearly looking back on. I agree, I feel like Black performers were denied pop eras or any flexibility as an artist, they just wanted them to fit in marketable boxes like r&b or hiphop. Even now they don’t make room for Black pop stars, the way Normani is more talented than all these girls but gets paid dust. In the late 90s early 2000s I idolized Aaliyah, TLC, Whitney Houston, and Missy Elliot alongside Britney Spears, Xtina, and Jessica Simpson. I will say the posters for my white faves were much easier to find in magazines. I’m blessed to have grown up with Beyonce since Destinty’s Child. She’s influenced me my whole life, I loved her pinup era in videos like Why Dont You Love Me and Countdown! I would copy all her makeup looks in highschool and wear a bandana like her. I loved growing up with Rihanna as well. Her EDM era is really dope to me because EDM is another genre Black people made but don’t get credit for. I would copy all the looks from the We Found Love video. I have lots of memories of people making fun of Rihannas eras, whether it be her iconic short hair or her cherry red hair in her Whats My Name era. Meanwhile her white colleagues did not catch the same smoke for bold looks. I think we forget how much shit Rihanna got from the media. She’s such a baddie to me and will always be one of my main icons.

Bb: since you’re mentioning getting shit for bold looks, I think it would be extra interesting to ask you about your daily experience living the kind of rainbow femme aesthetic you have? Because we share a similar aesthetic, and I would love to highlight the differences in just how you and I are talked to or about day to day in these kind of looks (you surpass me as a rainbow queen on a ridiculously on point level obvi)

K!k!: I’ve always been myself and I used to get bullied for it. In 4th grade I only shopped in the boys section at target (which in retrospect makes a lot of sense now that I know I’m nonbinary) with hella Avril neckties. Then in 5th grade my style evolved into punk and goth. All Emily the Strange, all black and red, camo, skulls, fishnets, black nails, spikey bracelets. My mom was a punk in the 80s so she let me express myself and would help me dye streaks in my hair. In middle school I was bullied a lot. I was very emo and that progressed into a scene kid, and I think thats the first time I started wearing rainbows. I remember my best friend said “is that your gay pride shirt?” and I got so freaked out I didn’t wear it for another year. When Lady Gaga became popular I felt like somebody finally understood me. She was herself and didn’t care what anyone said. Her presence allowed me to grow even further with my fashion and truly express myself with no fucks given. She truly saved me in high school. 

I had the realization last year when I was backstage at a drag show in The Stud dressing room, that k!k! is drag. Whenever I get all dressed up with a wig and look ive planned for weeks, lashes on, fake nails, I’m a queen just like all my friends. I feel like I finally found my people. It always cracks me up when I stop at the corner store for drinks and backwoods before a party or a rap performance in my k!k! drip, I get a lot of funny comments and looks. My corner store guy has seen me in hundreds of wigs and loves my looks 😂 How is it for you with your magical rainbow self? 🌈💕✨

Bb: For me, it’s definitely an excuse for strangers to come up and talk to me. People automatically expect more emotional labor from me because of the my whole look and as an anxious empath with a childhood hobby of getting gaslit, I’m still working on telling myself I don’t owe people any follow up to my self expression. The only people who can comment on it no matter what are kids because they ask me if I’m a fairy and stuff so I keep rainbow stickers in my purse for them. Also, I was trying to think if I had a Lady Gaga and I think my equivalent, would be the wombats. I was bullied a lot growing up and when I was younger, it really frustrated me on a level because my dad kinda lived this “spread laughter” kind of life and I thought I was pretty funny. And their lyrics had this self awareness deprecating morbidity that i hadn’t seen yet and as someone who didn’t have a vocab for my mental illnesses yet, there was something really freeing about seeing somehow joke about being a piece of shit and they opened up a whole word of expressing myself through that kind of humor which is a really definitive characteristic. Also shout out to dumbass 14 year old me thinking I wasn’t queer while actively masturbating to the Bad Romance music video. 

K!k!: That part! It’s really exhausting to just be yourself in public and I’ve definitely experienced a lot of harassment and unwanted attention from just dressing how I want. I do miss having dyed hair and little kids asking if you’re a fairy or mermaid 🥺 I bet you make their whole life getting a rainbow sticker from a real life fairy! Thats so precious.

I love the wombats! I was obsessed with Lets Dance to Joy Division, I’m listening right now! I listened to a lot of morbid upbeat indie music too its really comforting. Makes you feel less alone forreal! 

WAIT IM SCREAMING 😂 Relatable content, I will say I had a gaga poster above my bed... and thought I was straight.

Bb: My dyed hair is so intensely tied to my mania. Before being fully medicated, I would have like temper tantrums when I couldn’t dye my hair because it literally felt like someone telling me I couldn’t put on a bullet proof vest. Like it felt like people were suggesting I walk on broken glass barefoot when I see a pair of shoes right next to me. I learned how to pronounce the name of one of my meds from a wombats lyric, which is just one of those little things that you know is random but feels like proof that your favorite band has always been writing just for you and no one else. 

K!k!: I have bipolar II and get hypomanic so I can relate a lil. Have you fried your hair off before? I’ve done it about 3 times I always dye my hair blue then want Beyonce gold hair then try to bleach out the blue and end up with top ramen noodles for hair 😂 I started wearing cheap wigs for that reason so i can switch up the colors as much as I want. Omg Anti-D? Such a dope song. I was on Citalopram for 6 years until recently, I hate that they stop working over time. Do you like them? Now im on a SNRI I’m not sure if I like it.

Bb: Ayyyy bp 2 too and yeah, I’ve been on it for about the same amount of time but then like two years back, I got two other meds in addition so I can’t really isolate anything which I wish I could because now I’m wondering if that one isn’t working because it’s been six years lol

K!k!: Yeah meds are crazy its like finding the perfect balance that works for you but getting there can be wild! The first time I got on meds it made me way worse.

Bb: I’ve been really fortunate in that I’ve only had non helpful meds but I haven’t had a bad experience. I did have a former psych ghost me for two weeks forcing me to go cold turkey off everything for a week before I could find an emergency prescriber lol

K!k!: OMG I'm so sorry! That's literally the worst feeling, I always have bad luck with CVS and my insurance and not going through and I'm trying not to have a melt down on the counter. I've worked retail for 7 years so I have mad respect for pharmacy technicians, I can't even imagine the things they've seen!

Bb: Ooof yeah, I live in a wealthier neighborhood and the fucking shit I’ve seen grown ass woman throwing tantrums with their whole chest to a panicked 20 year old. I have picked fights with those kind of people before tho, I’m not proud but I also am proud of tripping one as she left when I was younger.

K!k!: YESSS! I pick fights with people who are yelling at customer service people all the time! Especially at starbucks! I can’t do it at my job but if im off the clock and it aint my job I have the time! Where I grew up is a 5 minute drive from really wealthy areas, the Karens of all Karens. The shit ive seen or been yelled at for working in retail is horrible I dont ever wanna go back.

Bb: Yeah, I’m a barista on Abbot Kinney in Venice where we get peak asshole. Honestly, breaking the cycle of abuse and bullying was hard obvi and one of the ways I coped was by like harnessing that into being really brutal to rude to retail people. Like if you go off on a minimum wage worker like an asshole, you unlock 18 years of built up expertise from being the one being bullied. It’s like an art skill coping mechanism outlet in a tiny way

K!k!: I worked at Peet's once and it was a nightmare. Baristas really catch a lot of smoke from the general public I have mad respect from y'all.

Bb: what upcoming releases or goodies do you have?

K!k!: I’ve had so much fun, thank you for everything! 💕 I’m trying to finish up a lil soundcloud somethin somethin by June 30th! There will be a video too. I’m probably not going to sleep until then😂 It’s a lil pride anthem, and I wanted to release it on the last day of June because Pride is never over and Black Lives Matter is never over! There’s clips from Rainbow Brite, My Lil Pony, Carebears, and San Francisco pride over the time past couple years! It’s over an instrumental of “I’m  Every Woman” by Whitney Houston, and will be mixed by me. I realized I’m still a baby with my music and need to still be putting out lil soundcloud raps. A lot of my friends are much more established but I’m in a different place in my music journey. I need to keep releasing stuff even if it’s not perfect so I can keep moving and growing.

Epilogue 2021

Bb: how are you?

K!k!: im okay! its really been day by day, hour by hour. ive also been dealing with chronic migraines and trying to still function 😭 how are you love?

Bb: Mostly oscillating between various forms of disassociation lol we talked a lot about stan culture and consuming pop culture last time, has your perception of pop culture or participation in it changed almost a year on in a pandemic?

K!k!: i feel that so hard this shit is no joke. damn its rly been a year 😂 ya all my beliefs on society have been confirmed by this pandemic. in terms of art and media we no longer get to be present in it, dancing at the club to it or going to a show. now all we do is consume via internet and the toxicity of stan culture thrives on it. i participate as a super fan and lover of art, but ive been practicing mindfulness around hivemind or putting popular artists down, they do see that shit and it hurts. we have truly transferred into an internet dimension more than ever before, and i think ppl r losing touch of reality and that we’re all humans behind a screen! i saw someone say the internet is in her saturn return and i thought that was interesting. things r shifting hella fast and it scares me

Bb: Yeah it’s hard because early on in the pandemic, we had to hold celebrities to their reality; a lot of them tried to use it as an evening ground marketing. We’re all the same when locked in our homes as if all homes and resources inside are the same. But as it’s gone on, we haven’t acknowledged that celebrities have (as they always have been but even more so now) been behind screens just as much as us. And as we’ve relied on our e-communities to get through this, a lot of artists have found new connections with their fans and people take that as allowance to negatively invade that space. If you could make two rules of etiquette for internet use and community in 2021 pandemic, what would they be?

K!k!: you are so right! we’re really all just people in an uncertain present and uncertain future. thats why social media is even more alluring, we all crave escapism right now, and often it can be positive but even more often its not. the only rule i can think of would be applying mindfulness. i grew up in a lot of meditation circles and worked at a retreat center, what i’ve taken from it years later are the Buddhist principles of nonharming. on the 8fold path one of the main precepts is right speech, which has always been the hardest for me. “abstinence from false speech, abstinence from malicious speech, abstinence from harsh speech, and abstinence from idle chatter.” if everyone could take a deep breath and ask themselves: is this honest, is this kind, is this gossip, is this even necessary? we would see a much more enjoyable internet.