Zine 49: Often
OFTEN ON SPOTIFY
OFTEN ON INSTAGRAM
Often is a pliable word, but it’s also a poignant one. Throw a slant rhyme at it and you can fit it under any silver tongue, it makes frequency poetic. Her lover would visit... His demons came back all too...
It runs clear like water, flows smooth too. But it implies a journey, the crunch in your mouth is the small pockets of hardening’s - hidden from being washed away. That’s where you can find the singer-songwriter, wading into that same translucent beauty.
As she goes, so goes her music. It flows with simplistic beats, lofi undercurrents, just the right sprinkle of synth/keys + tumblr’s dream all-encompassing vocal layers. Often’s honed in on what made 2013 an intoxicating year for music, but with the space of a lockdown and the power of growth, she’s brought it back without anything to prove. What felt before like a production you readied yourself to enjoy, now an innate state want to fall into effortlessly and often.
Baby Ballou: To begin, I’d love to whip out a niche question or a poignant one for a good first impression but your artist name is such a striking choice, I have to ask how you came to choose it?
Often: So originally when I first decided to go solo I went by the name Sorrow. In hindsight that was a pretty heavy handed choice considering I already knew the music was going to lean in that direction but that name didn't last long. I ended up at an event where I introduced myself to someone and they thought I said Often when I gave them my name. It immediately clicked for me and I've been using Often ever since.
BB: Aw I love that, it was bestowed upon you by the universe almost. With the initial choice of sorrow and self title of sad disco queen, what about that end of the emotional spectrum entices you creatively?
Often: I was always a pretty moody kid. I think what attracted me to music most was that it felt like the safest place to tell your truth. Knowing I was gay at a very early age but not being able to express that within my religious upbringing left me looking for an outlet. Discovering and falling for musicians who really laid themselves bare musically just drove me to that medium and style. I really appreciate the honesty and openness and the presence a good slow sad song offers you. I think as we get older we can begin to learn to hide our emotions-at least I have-and living in this end of the emotional spectrum within my music allows me a public but also safe space to be my most honest.
BB: As a young queer person, (listening to) music was also a really safe space for me to let out vulnerabilities. I think for me as a listener, it felt safer to pick up what someone else put down than claim it as my own emotion entirely. But in my experience, even the music that was sustaining me was rarely by queer artists. I didn’t find a lot of queer music to listen to until I was older. Did you find queer artists or did you have to kind of piece together your perspective through fragments of what was out there?
Often: I love this for us 🥰 that safety in music.
I definitely didn’t have a ton of queer artists I could knowingly point to at a super early age. I grew up listening to a lot of gospel and soul and R&B classics but I will never forget the first time I saw Tracy Chapman perform. I was up late watching PBS and her episode of Austin City Limits came on and it was like a whole new realm of life and possibility opened up. Her voice and her beauty and her storytelling were transformational for me. I was also a huge fan of Fiona Apple and still feel like most of us as queer kids saw ourselves in her or were just deeply impacted by her music. As access to the internet grew I certainly scoured for any and all queer coded media but I think the lyrical freedom I found in those artists set a foundation for me. Oh, and Brandi Carlile. I saw her open for The Fray in 2006 and screamed “I love you” during a quiet moment in her set. I told her it was me after the show and maybe I should have been embarrassed but I was beyond excited to be in such close proximity to an emerging queer artist even if she wasn’t necessarily “out” at the time. It was always such a comfort to recognize myself in artists I loved.
BB: I don’t think you should have been embarrassed at all! There’s this Al Stewart lyric my dad and I love that I find really simply sums up what finding comfort in artists is like “I still remember the last time I cried/ the day that buddy holly died/ I never knew him so it may seem strange/ don’t some people just affect you that way.” We all just have those artists that guided us in some way that we’ll always feel. What hooks you into those artists? They’re all beautifully well rounded but is there a certain facet that catches your attention first when listening to new music?
Often: I love a soulful voice. Or one you can tell is so open and willing to share. I think you can get an immediate sense of honesty through music. It’s evident when people are coming from their heart. I feel like that pulls me in more than anything else.
BB: I agree, and I find that across genres. I think it’s so weird how people can dismiss entire genres as disingenuous. Authenticity comes from the artist not the style. Having always appreciated that about an artist, did vulnerability while making music come easy or did you place pressure on it because you valued it so much?
Often: Woof. This is a question lol. And also the timing of all your questions is so funny because I'm working on new music right now and I feel like these themes are really coming up for me. In the past I kind of didn't consistently make music because I was waiting to feel whatever it was I wanted to say. It felt disingenuous to try to create a narrative when i wasn't feeling it in that exact moment. But obviously that's not how having a career in music works, particularly at this stage. You're kind of forced to keep creating in order to put yourself out there. I will say the songs of mine that have reached a wider audience are the songs I've let myself fully fall into and experience feelings I had tried to avoid or repress or needed to facilitate my own form of closure with. But my goal whenever I make work is to be as open and vulnerable as possible. Whether it comes easily is very much dependent on how willing I am to access myself at any given moment so...I guess kinda both? Haha. I'm not even sure that made sense lol. But it is both important and easy and also very much a pressure. I don't want to make anything or release anything that isn't heartfelt.
BB: Haha no it made complete sense. It sounds like a really delicate balance and a recipe for burnout if you force it. Have you ever regretted opening up and being vulnerable? Has it ever made you feel too raw or had something commented on/interpreted by others in a way that you didn’t like?
Often: I’m honestly not very good at being vulnerable in private. It takes a lot for me to truly open up to people, but for some reason doing it through music or writing has always felt easier. I definitely don’t regret it and feel like it’s the backbone of any good artistry I produce. How it’s interpreted after isn’t really any of my business. I just hope people can relate or feel whatever makes sense to them. I hope what I produce supports a more vulnerable journey.
BB: We’ve talked about vulnerability, and I don’t mean the following as a juxtaposition as if being vulnerable isn’t an act of strength, but what makes you feel empowered? Whether something minute like a song or an outfit or bigger like a connection or experience
Often: Oh this is a really good question.
There was a point in my life as a pre teen where I stopped wearing jewelry because of my religion. Previously the ritual of wearing necklaces and bracelets always felt really special but I finally heard a reasoning as to why we weren’t supposed to where adornments that seemed reasonable so I decided to stop. After many years and personal revelations I began wearing jewelry again. My ancestors reached out to me and told me I needed to adorn myself and the timing was very special as I was working on “Dirty Saint” and incorporating that tradition of adornment back into my personhood was very special. I got my ears pierced a couple years ago and earrings have added a shocking since of identity and excitement to my life that I never quite anticipated.
But to be completely honest I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and considered what makes me feel empowered. I appreciate this question because I now realize I need to sit with what that looks like for me.
BB: Wow thank you sm for your openness. There’s something really blissful and connective about when you pick up a habit or practice that surprises you like that. What’s your favorite pair of earrings to wear right now?
Often: Initially it felt super taboo for me because I grew up not being able to have pierced ears. So it felt like such a personal and adult choice to be able to make. Like so much so that I called my mom trying to stand up for myself like, “I’M GETTING MY EARS PIERCED AND I’M EXCITED ABOUT IT!!!” I bought a pair of clip ons first just to make sure I actually liked them and wanted to do it but I truly can’t explain how much wearing them felt like coming home to myself. It’s such a small thing but it made a shift. At this point I’m just looking to grow my collection. I don’t have that many yet but I feel naked without them!
BB: It’s so victorious when those things feel as euphoric as you think they will. I didn’t grow up in a conservative or religious family but my parents are boomers and carried a lot of stigma against tattoos and I always felt like they’d be freeing for me and when I finally stood up and got one and it WAS freeing I was like ~I’m invincible~. You mentioned this starting during “Dirty Saint,” how did that personal journey tie into the journey of the song?
Often: Omg that’s so funny because I don’t have any tattoos but now I’m back at work making new music and I’m thinking, is this my next frontier?? I stayed up late one night after a music session and designed a tattoo and I’m going to get a temporary version before deciding if I’ll do the real thing because I also have an awful tolerance for pain lol. Anyway!! “Dirty Saint” is actually my first album and I made it over covid. Having the ability to sit still and really think and consider who I am and what I believed without this long standing connection I had to religion was incredibly helpful and eye opening and also heartbreaking for me. I’d spent a really long time focused on what other people wanted or believed or thought that I began to realize there wasn’t enough “me” in me. So it’s kind of a shock and sad but also enlightening to address your question about empowerment and not really have an answer. I still feel like I have so much about myself to discover which ultimately I believe is a journey that never ends. But also just to add on-that addition to doing something kind of scary or you were told not to do that harms absolutely no one else and then making the choice to do it for yourself and it being as freeing and personal as you imagined it would be…there are few feelings as good as that.
BB: There 👏 wasn’t 👏 enough 👏 “me”👏 in 👏 me 👏 is something we all need to sit with. I think while it may feel like a stifling childhood put you behind others in terms of finding yourself, you’re miles ahead of people who had more freedom to explore. Because you’ve gotten such an awareness about it and it seems like a lot of the fear many face has been replaced by excitement because you’re fully present in this journey now. I think you’re only gonna fall further and further in love with you. I’m winding down on questions but first, I’m intrigued, what’s the vibe/style of the tattoo you designed for yourself?
And for what it’s worth, I’m an absolute baby about pain. As someone with both, piercings are scarier/more pain than tattoos imo (unless it’s a rib cage tattoo)
Often: Thank you so much for this. Honestly I feel like I'm completely in the wild at this point. No safety nets but a lot of love and assurance around me. I look at myself and have no clue who that is but there is certainly a level of excitement that's replaced any fear.
So the tattoo I designed is of trumpet vines. It's to honor my Nana. She was my best friend and I miss her beyond words. It's just so odd you can't speak to a person you used to spend so much time with or be able to contact absolutely whenever. Growing up I was with her every single day in the summer. She was very into gardening and while trumpet vines weren't necessarily her favorite flower I have this vivd memory of her telling me how much she loved them, so I worked up this image of a few of them. I did however have a conversation with a friend recently about how no matter how well you design a tattoo it will never come out exactly how you want it and that made me incredibly nervous! So I'm thinking of starting off with one I don't have such an attachment to just to see if I can even handle the pain in the first place. and if it doesn't turn out exactly how I want then at least it's nothing too sentimental
BB: Tbh that’s really smart. I’m the person who gets stick n pokes in dark corners at a concert so a lot of them are “shitty” but as I mentioned earlier, every iteration of young me wanted to be covered in tattoos of all kinds and I never thought I’d get a single tattoo so I celebrate the shitty ones cause they symbolize me living it up for little me. That’s really beautiful with your Nana, and I think a lovely way to end this chat would be to honor her in a way, so how would you say she influenced your music / music journey or your love of music?
Often: I think the most influential aspect was she always believed in me. No matter what I wanted to do-and to be honest we never really got into specifics and I wasn’t pursuing music as intently while she was alive-she affirmed me at every turn. I grew up hearing her consistently tell me I could do anything which was very helpful because I didn’t get that energy in other places and was deeply insecure about my music for a very long time. To have someone in your life who simply reminds you you are possible is the most beautiful and special thing.